Learning to live again

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lynn levine on May 1, 2012 at 3:37pm

That's exactly it - how does one look forward to the future when your loved one is gone "forever"?

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Permalink Reply by sonia richmond on May 1, 2012 at 6:22pm

How long has it been for you? 

For me it has been 5 years and I've just started dating.  It is strange (to say the least) because I feel that I got married in 1 era and now I'm out in another.

I don't know what is in store for me but I think that being able to connect with other people who have suffered the same type of loss (of a spouse) may be helpful.

I would like to hear more from you.

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Permalink Reply by Lynn levine on May 2, 2012 at 10:23am

Good morning Sonia,

Thank you so much for your response as I am searching for other women who have/are in the same situation.  My husband had a fatal accident while at work Jan 6, 2012 / we would have been married 45 years this Mar.  Suffice it to say, I have lost the right side of my body.  I attended a bereavement workshop for the first time last night which was very difficult but I hope it will be helpful.

I too am from one era but certainly no where interested at this time to join this what would be a very different world to me and is sounds like it is for you as well. I wish you all the best as you enter this new stage and would be very interested to chat about your past love/family and your future experiences.

Have you had much luck with this site? It seemed to me the discussions were quite dated but them I am very new to the group and my navigations skills are not up to speed.

I would appreciate any suggestions, advise since you are into this 5 years now....how did you pass these years?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Lynn

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Permalink Reply by sonia richmond on May 2, 2012 at 11:46am

Hi Lynn,

I'm so sorry for your loss - it has just been a few months for you and I know what you mean when you say that you lost the "right side of your body".  I had the same conversation with my children when we were sitting shiva for my late husband.

Both of my parents were gone by then and I told them that I understand the devastation that they are feeling BUT that their lives have to go on - they have spouses - they have children to raise and that this is the normal course of events in life.  No parent should ever have to outlive their child.  BUT for me, my life has changed completely and that I lost "the other half of myself".

It has taken me 5 years (and they were not unproductive) to get to where I am today.  This is the first time in my life that I have lived alone and I'm doing just fine.  Life is for the living and I know that Sam would have wanted me to live and enjoy the years that I have left and because I promised him that I would be okay I need to be okay.

I very much enjoy chatting with you via e-mail and I hope to continue our communication.  By the way, where do you live?

 

Sonia

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Permalink Reply by Lynn levine on May 3, 2012 at 1:59pm

Hi Sonia, wow our lives seem to have run a similar course .. This is my first time alone and both my parents are gone. It is so hard to start each day knowing I don't have to make dinner today because Kenny will not be coming home. I have always loved being a homemaker, cooking, the children, grand children, but most of all my Kenny . People tell me to look for signs because he is still with you but in a different way - so far I haven't found much peace with that theory.
I am in MI the suburbs of Detroit and where are you located? We have 3daughters and 7 grand-children; 1 grandson and 6 grand daughters, ages 14 - 4 ... 3 live in southern california along with our youngest child and the remainder are here in MI. Our kids are extremely supportive and see to it that I try to carry on whatever that is right now. I did get a dog which gives me a reason to come home and someone waiting, depending on me....that decision has its good and bad sides but hopefully the good will out way the bad.
Please tell me about your family and how you manage to fill the empty hours.
I am enjoying chatting with you and look forward to your reply.
Lynn

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Permalink Reply by sonia richmond on May 4, 2012 at 5:30pm

Hi Lynn,

 

Unfortunately,we are far apart (maybe just in distance) as I am in Florida - although I am originally from Toronto which is must closer.

It's unfortunate that we had to meet in this chat room, but that too is life.  A very good friend said how proud she was of me and how well I handled what I was given.  I don't know if I told you but my late husband Sam got sick when we were on a cruise and he was taken off the ship and was admitted into the intensive care unit of a very good hospital in Panama City, Panama.  He was there for 5 weeks and unfortunately died there.  It was a nightmare and I was absolutely devastated - BUT my answer to her was that there was no bravery involved.  Brave is when you run into a burning building when you had the option of walking away.  The only option I had was how I was going to deal with losing him and getting on with my life,

Sam was my 2nd husband.  The first one I was divorced from and had 3 children (2 daughters and a son) and then I met Sam after being separated for about 1 1/2 years and he was the love of my life for 32 years.  He also contributed 4 children to the mix and I must say that I am so fortunate to have 7 wonderful children, 10 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren.

I found that for me things never got "better" they just got different.  I can now even talk about him and about the things that we did or said without crying and without becoming a lunatic.

Maybe time does help but I really believe that it is up to us, the survivors, to continue.  We need to do that for ourselves and for our children.

I also enjoy chatting with you and please let's keep our communication going.

 

Sonia

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Permalink Reply by Lynn levine on May 4, 2012 at 8:35pm

Good evening Sonia , your Sam story is so tragic. I was a travel consultant for several years however it was thank G-D only one time that we had an incident such as yours. The whole agency felt a seance of responsibility which of course is ridiculous but never the less the client suffering a fatal heart attack under ".our watch" was a very upsetting event...I can't imagine the ordeal you must have endored. I understand that it is up to us to present ourselves in a very collectetive way thus easing the path for our children. Certainly they feel the loss but just to get real, we are the ones whose lives have ended as we have known it, fortunately our children have their spouses (one daughter, not so much, which is yet another topic), and their children to return to.
I understand it is something we get used to and while I am years away from getting used to the new normal it is good to hear that it is possible. The weekends are the worst. We shared the 24hrs of Saturday and Sunday which was kicked off with Friday nt dinner out to one of our favorite haunts. Saturday was spent with mundane activities and of course out for dinner with friends and perhaps a movie or something similar. Sunday was grocery shopping with a weekly meal plan in mind..of course I don't shop or cook anymore...something I loved to do....but most of the enjoyment was watching Kenny eat and enjoy. I apologize for rambling but that is where I am at right....trying to figure out how do I get through yet another weekend which are the worst.
Okay enough about me....do you get together with the children?...how's the dating search going?..I am very interested to know how your life evolved over this past five years....
Paz keep in touch...Shabbat shalom .... Lynn

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Permalink Reply by sonia richmond on May 5, 2012 at 12:20am

Hi Lynn,

 

I just got home and it is after midnight. I feel a kinship with you that I somehow have not felt with others.  Maybe it is "bashert" that we have a friend that we can commiserate with.

I will definitly be in touch tomorrow (Saturday).  Not it is late and I'm so tired.

Shabbat Shalom to you too,

Sonia

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Permalink Reply by sonia richmond on May 5, 2012 at 11:25am

Hi Lynn,

I'm sitting here, the sun is shining and I'm definitely well rested.

I so understand what you're going through and I have to say that "getting used to the new normal" becomes a way of life. Not only is it relevant to NOW but it becomes a way of life.  I don't know if that's how things work but everything changes when your life so drastically changes.  Isn't it amazing that one person's absence in your life can make everything so different?

I really believe that there are no shortcuts.  Being with children and grandchildren is wonderful.  I have 1 daughter and her2 sons here in Florida and they're pretty close by, but I was determined to not make her my sounding board and my social life.  I do work part time (I sell fine jewelry at Macy's) and I started doing volunteer work at a local hospital.  It is very rewarding and I feel useful and more fulfilled when I'm a functioning person.

But, it took me a long time to get to this point.  I didn't work for 9 months after Sam died.  I just couldn't.  I could be in the middle of a conversation with someone and all of a sudden become hysterical crying.  Like I said yesterday, things d

on't get better they get different.

I think you need an outlet - not your children - to say what you feel when you feel like talking.  Just having someone to listen,even though they may not have a solution for you is sometimes what you need.  But,don't beat yourself up, you have suffered what I think is an incredible trauma and you need to take the time to heal and you can't rush it.

Permalink Reply by Lynn levine on May 5, 2012 at 2:36pm

Hi Sonia, the sun just came out about an hour ago prior it was a typical grey sky with a bit of drizzle. As I mentioned before the weekends are just so lonely and I agree with you, I do not want to rely on my children for activities. Today I had a quiet morning but preparing for My sister to come in. She lives in AZ but every couple of months she has to come to work at her home office. She stays with me when in town and this will be so great at this time for me. I will have someone to cook for this whole week. The kitchen is where I could shine and my husband loved everything I cooked and was willing to try any foreign looking item.
I think I mentioned I did get a dog and today was our second training session. I am a co-owner of him as he is a show dog (so she says but hasn't been shown yet) which unbeknown to me meant he at 15 months had no training of ANY kind. Bottom line I have my work cut out for me but a very lovable responsibility in return. I have had him only 3weeks today and it has given me a different focus and a reason to come and be home.
I like you couldn't possibly be depended upon as an employee at this time...I never know who I will face in the mirror each morning. My house is in the process of being sold, I must liquidate my husbands plumbing business - you can't imagine the amount of tools and equipment to disperse. I just sold his classic car he had purchased late last fall - a 1979 Lincoln mark IV, he was so excited about it but never had the chance to enjoy it. How ironic is this, we began our dating and early marriage with a Lincoln but didn't have another until just last fall...thus we began
our relationship with a lincoln and ended with one:(.
You are so very correct about an outlet which is where the dog comes in. I also see a therapist to vent just to save my kids and friends the burden and I think I mentioned I started a
bereavement workshop last week at Adat Shalom...I've heard great things about that program.
I applaud you getting a job and the volunteer work youre doing. I did volunteer work at Henry Ford hospital for quite a while in both the administrationdept and one day as a friendly visitor on the surgical floor -I could not handle that right now but maybe someday....you are becoming my hope and inspiration for the life that awaits me. How strange that two people can be brought together so many miles away and still have such a common ground to share?
Okay this is getting way too long but I must tell you that I am enjoying our conversations and look forward to your reply.
Have a good and happy weekend .. tomorrow marks 4 months for us but will try to focus on more positive milestones.
Take care, enjoy your beautiful weather, and write when you can.
Sincerely, Lynn
PS I think this is what one use to call "a pen pal" no?

Permalink Reply by sonia richmond on May 14, 2012 at 9:38am

Hi Lynn,

Sorry I didn't respond sooner but there was something wrong with my computer and my "guy" couldn't come to fix it. Of course it took him 2 minutes to do it, but I was stuck.

I'm leaving for Toronto (which is where I'm originally from) tomorrow and I'll be back the end of next week.  I have relatives coming from Israel and they are staying with my sister, so I decided to go there and see them.  I plan to go to Israel next year G-d willing but I learned the hard way that you can't put things off.

I hope you are well and learning to cope a little.  It doesn't come in waves - it comes so gradually that sometimes you don't even notice it.  But, I know that we all seem to go through the stages in such different ways, but we all seem to have to go through all the stages.

Stay well and I'll be in touch when I return (May 25) and we can chat further.

 

Sonia

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Permalink Reply by Lynn levine on May 14, 2012 at 12:43pm

safe journey and enjoy the family,

Lynn

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